...

There was more to that story.

I found out that there are Supernatural conventions. At first I was all, "I'm too cool for those nerd fests." But then I heard that actors attend them. Actors, like Jensen Ackles. So naturally, I was all



And then I heard that you can actually get your picture taken with the actors. So I was all



But then I heard that it costs 300 dollars to get your picture taken with both Jared and Jensen. Then, I was all



Knowing that there was no way I'd be able to come up with that much cash, I got to thinking, and was all



And then it hit me. What do all crazy fangirls like me do? They stalk stars and accost them at their hotels! I wondered then if that was illegal, but I was all



So, I decided to become a medical experiment monkey to make the cash. But then I got to looking up all the medical experiments I could have done on me for money, and I was all



So that plan didn't work. So then I decided to consider thievery. Knowing me though, I'd get to the first house and be all



So that wouldn't work. Then, I decided on becoming an exotic dancer. But then I remembered that my dancing is all



So that plan didn't work either. Someone suggested I get an honest job and save up, but I was all



Then I realized that if I ever actually met Jensen, I'd be all



So I went back to watching T.V.

The End. (Really this time)

Love,
Megan

So...

I've got a story. It's a sad one, so prepare yourself. I'm going to illustrate the story with pictures to help emotion across. It's called, "transference of emotion".

So I watch Supernatural.

But, it's on break right now.

So there's no new episodes until the 27th.

So, naturally, upon first reading that piece of horrible news, I was all



But then I got the 3rd and 4th season for Christmas, so I was all



But then I found out that everything awesome happens in the fifth season, which I don't own. So I was all



So I thought, "Let's go read fanfiction. That should tide me over." But then I came across a term called Wincest. Not knowing was it was, I read some. And then I was all



So then I actually had to be productive because there was no more Supernatural to distract me. Then, I was listening to the news and they were all, "Supernatural is on this Friday." So I was all



But then I found out that it was just a rerun. So when the news anchor came back on and said that Supernatural was gonna be on on Friday again, I was all



But then I found the fifth season episodes online, so then I was all



The End.

Love,
Megan

Do not purchase if safety seal is broken

So.

Today is a bad day.

Today is a day where I will spend more time crying and generally losing my mind than I will spend time breathing or thinking about Jensen Ackles.

Yes, that bad.

Anyway. One of my previous therapists, who was a lovely woman whose office was tucked into the back corner of my local hospital gave me the magical advice to write down how I was feeling on my bad days.

This instruction was a little bit like flossing. Go with me on this one.

You go to the dentist. The dentist asks how often you floss. You lie and say once or twice daily when the reality is the only floss your teeth sees is in the form of the occasional toothpick after a steak. He examines your teeth, and finds a little work needs to be done. You get your filling, and go on your merry way. For the next two weeks, you floss like it's the only thing keeping all your teeth from spontaneously falling out of your head. Then, as the sound of the screeching drill leaves your psyche, you go back to your old flossing ways. Then your annual dentist appointment rolls around, and the whole cycle starts over again.

What was I saying?

Right. Writing down feelings.

Well, it worked for a while. I'd write every day for a week, and then it was suddenly three weeks later and I'd have no idea where my notebook was. I would also have another appointment, where I'd have to present my notebook for apprasial. I'd apologize, and promise that it'd be done by next session. And the whole cycle started over again.

Back to my point. It's been a bad day. I didn't sleep well last night, even thought I took enough medication to fell a small horse. That's never a good sign in itself. Lo and behold, I wake up this morning already ensconced in a panic attack. Anxiety disorders are no fun, fer serius.

So, I'm being treated to a day of constant fear, and no appetite. I suppose that's not so bad, everything is closed today anyway.

I write this all down in hopes that I can help someone, like that one random person who'll google "panic attacks" and see a post of mine, and click on it on a whim.

To you random person, are you struggling? I sure as hell am.

But there is one thing I know for absolutely certain. This does get better. There are better days, better years.

Some nights you'll experience what I experienced last night. Last night I laid down, pulled my covers up and immediately became overwhelmed at the thought of how I was going to get through the next day.

I won't lie to you, random stranger, or anyone. I have taken those long glances at that bottle of pills and thought about how good it would be to take a nice long nap. I took those glances two years ago, and I took one of those glances today.

But there is one thing that I need to remember, and you the random stranger needs to remember. It gets better. You can win. In that moment of overwhelming fear and helplessness, you can take a baseball bat to your thoughts and rise above them. It's possible, trust me. It's not easy, but it's possible. I don't say this because I have mastered the art of stomping down fear, I say it because I haven't.

Trust me, this can get better. Tomorrow can be a better day, and you don't have to hope for it. You can take your fear and bitchslap it. You can even add in your best gangstur voice, "Bitch, you weak. Next time, I rip out tha nasty ass weave a' yours."

In all fairness, I did forwarn you that I'm a little crazy.

Now, on another note, I bought Linkin Park's new CD on a whim titled "Giftcard for iTunes but nothing to buy... oooh look a shiny".

And call me crazy, but I really, really like it.



Here's one of the songs, plus it's live. It's awesome. Like, party in your pants awesome. You should really click play.

Love,
Megan

Quick Note

So, I may or may not have mentioned my obsessive love of music. If I haven't, I have now.

This is beauty, and I'm not traditionally a big dubstep fan. Anyway, here we are.

Beauty, amirite?

Oh My Chuck

So. It's January 1st. Pretty important day.

No, not just because I'll be legally able to gamble by the end of the month, though that's pretty awesome.

It's because today is the day where everyone whose brain isn't in an mooshy state known as a "hangover" does something special. So special, that once it's acknowledged, it's never mentioned or thought of again. It's called RESOLUTIONS.

Now that 2011 has crashed the party, it's officially the time to get that paper out and write down your ambitions for the year, only to hide it in a spot so magical that you can never find it again. We humans are funny creatures, really.

Anyway, one of my ambitions/resolutions is to blog at least once a week. I do this not to get rich, though that would be pretty cool. I do this because I feel the inescapable urge to leave a mark somewhere in the world wide web. And, to possibly get rich.

H8ters gon h8.

Anyway. I should probably introduce myself, because any post below this was written by a person who is not me. Except if you go back in time, and then it is me. The me that types these words is almost an entirely different person than the one that wrote those. I mean, that person hadn't even figured out her secret love of slam poetry. Pshaw.

So. My name is Megan, and I'm nearly legal gambling age. Figure that one out at your leisure. I read more books than is probably healthy, and I like to write stories in extensively overpriced journals called Moleskines. I don't have a job, live with my mom, and play a lot of video games.

That last part would be a lot worse if I were male, 30 years older, and 300 pounds heavier, amirite?

If you take a little glance to the left, there is a playlist for your convenience. It contains a few of the many songs that reside on my iPod. Whenever people utter that lovely sentiment to me, "You like weird music," I always give them the same shake of my head and denial. Upon rounding up that playlist, I think from now on I'll agree.

So. What do we know so far, class? Megan, girl, 18, weird music, stories, books. Sounds about right.

I also have what's referred to in some medical circles as "Generalized anxiety disorder", which means I have these things called "panic attacks". I say this, because I'm sure it will come up in the future, so I want to have that part of my insanity explained beforehand. This, combined with an overactive imagination makes me someone who is just a little nuts, but who has badass dreams. Like, I wish I could record my dreams. I would kick Avatar's little blue ass with the stuff my grey matter comes up with.

I also like this T.V show called Supernatural, and may have on occasion thought to myself that I could be okay with polygamy, if I could marry Jensen Ackles. Again, I mention this to forewarn anyone for future posts. Oh, and just saying, Chuck is God. That is all.

So. That's okay as far an introductions go, yes? No? Screw you imaginary audience, I'm not a part of your system.

No, I didn't take that from an SNL skit, and I'm offended you asked.

On the plus side, I googled Tuna Fey instead of Tina Fey today. Didn't get the results I was looking for.

Love,
Megan

What New York Used To Be

Well, it certainly has been a while, Internet. :]

Anyway. Life is back in full swing, now that the summer is over. Grade 11 is good, specifically my math class. My teacher literally used the words, "I don't want to do any math today. Talk amongst yourselves."
AWESOME. Fer serious.

Oh, watched A Hard Day's Night on Saturday. John Lennon in a tub full of bubbles? Made my life. xD

Oh, also. Some mildly good news. I won first place in a short story contest here in my hometown. No biggie, right?

WRONG. CUE BRAIN EXPLOSION X INFINITY. :D

Okay. I'm calm. It's okay. :P

Oh, right. Go listen to "Cobrastyle" by Robyn, and "What New York Used To Be" by the Kills. Just do it. :P

-Megan

The dusty rose one was better.

TWO posts in ONE day? OH the HUMANITY! It's like I have no life!

Oh wait...

Anyway. Moving on. Today's topic, kiddies, is music. I have a weird emotional attachment to my iPod. I wish I could say that I'm kidding, but I'm not. The theft of said iPod was one of the most traumatic events of my young life. Karma smiled on me and through amazing events, it was returned to me, and I will be forever grateful. 4GBs of music is the cheapest form of therapy pour moi.

An example? You want an example of the therapeutic assets of music? Well, fine. If you want.

Okay, so I was at a camp type event a few months ago, surrounded by lots of people all the time and surviving on very little sleep. My free time was spent in a noisy cabin, again, full of lots of people. Now, don't get me wrong, except for a very small time, I had an awesome time at the event, but I digress. So, a very tired, very frustrated me has an unexpected hour to herself. I had a five minute trail that would lead straight to my cabin, but on this occasion, I opted to take the 30 minute trail.

I spent it walking at a slow pace, listening to music after a day and a half of no music. It was so cleansing, so refreshing to have some time to think and be by myself for a while, it was startling. I got back to my cabin feeling a hundred times better than when I left the conference hall. I was listening to a variety of music, but a few songs I remember specifically are "The Boogie That Be", "Anxiety" and "The APL Song", all by the Black Eyed Peas.

Anyway. That was just a long winded way to justify sharing my taste in music to the world wide web. Some songs that I've been listening to a lot:
Into the West - Annie Lennox (Shut up. I know it's a Lord Of The Rings song)
Don't Forget - Demi Levato (I know, I know. EwwwWWwwWW! Demi LEVATO Megan? REALLY? Well, really. There's actual merit to this song. Who knew?)
Gonna Get Through This - David Bedingfield (I literally two seconds ago heard this song and it was all "I used to frickin' LOVE this song!" Nostalgiaaaa.)
Say It - Blue October (Youtube it.)
Picking Up The Pieces - Blue October (Ditto.)
My Never - Blue October (This song makes me cry into my oatmeal.)
Stuck on You - Paramore (Oh Paramore. How I delight in thee.)
Give Peace a Chance - John Lennon (Because I'm a hippie. No, really.)
Dare You To Move - Switchfoot (4 words. A Walk To Remember. I need not say any more.)
Eyes on Fire - Blue Foundation (A creepy song that is perfect for dramatic moments spent walking down empty hallways. No, really. Try it.)
Esli V Serdce Zhivet Lyubov - Yulia Savicheva (An awesome Russian song. From the translated lyrics I've read, also not a bad message to it either. Good on 'ye Russia.)
Life - Yui Horie (A Japanese song this time, and as good as, or better than any English song you can throw out there. Give foreign songs a chance, people.)

Okay. I'll shut up now. :]

Love,
Megan