So.
Today is a bad day.
Today is a day where I will spend more time crying and generally losing my mind than I will spend time breathing or thinking about Jensen Ackles.
Yes, that bad.
Anyway. One of my previous therapists, who was a lovely woman whose office was tucked into the back corner of my local hospital gave me the magical advice to write down how I was feeling on my bad days.
This instruction was a little bit like flossing. Go with me on this one.
You go to the dentist. The dentist asks how often you floss. You lie and say once or twice daily when the reality is the only floss your teeth sees is in the form of the occasional toothpick after a steak. He examines your teeth, and finds a little work needs to be done. You get your filling, and go on your merry way. For the next two weeks, you floss like it's the only thing keeping all your teeth from spontaneously falling out of your head. Then, as the sound of the screeching drill leaves your psyche, you go back to your old flossing ways. Then your annual dentist appointment rolls around, and the whole cycle starts over again.
What was I saying?
Right. Writing down feelings.
Well, it worked for a while. I'd write every day for a week, and then it was suddenly three weeks later and I'd have no idea where my notebook was. I would also have another appointment, where I'd have to present my notebook for apprasial. I'd apologize, and promise that it'd be done by next session. And the whole cycle started over again.
Back to my point. It's been a bad day. I didn't sleep well last night, even thought I took enough medication to fell a small horse. That's never a good sign in itself. Lo and behold, I wake up this morning already ensconced in a panic attack. Anxiety disorders are no fun, fer serius.
So, I'm being treated to a day of constant fear, and no appetite. I suppose that's not so bad, everything is closed today anyway.
I write this all down in hopes that I can help someone, like that one random person who'll google "panic attacks" and see a post of mine, and click on it on a whim.
To you random person, are you struggling? I sure as hell am.
But there is one thing I know for absolutely certain. This does get better. There are better days, better years.
Some nights you'll experience what I experienced last night. Last night I laid down, pulled my covers up and immediately became overwhelmed at the thought of how I was going to get through the next day.
I won't lie to you, random stranger, or anyone. I have taken those long glances at that bottle of pills and thought about how good it would be to take a nice long nap. I took those glances two years ago, and I took one of those glances today.
But there is one thing that I need to remember, and you the random stranger needs to remember. It gets better. You can win. In that moment of overwhelming fear and helplessness, you can take a baseball bat to your thoughts and rise above them. It's possible, trust me. It's not easy, but it's possible. I don't say this because I have mastered the art of stomping down fear, I say it because I haven't.
Trust me, this can get better. Tomorrow can be a better day, and you don't have to hope for it. You can take your fear and bitchslap it. You can even add in your best gangstur voice, "Bitch, you weak. Next time, I rip out tha nasty ass weave a' yours."
In all fairness, I did forwarn you that I'm a little crazy.
Now, on another note, I bought Linkin Park's new CD on a whim titled "Giftcard for iTunes but nothing to buy... oooh look a shiny".
And call me crazy, but I really, really like it.
Here's one of the songs, plus it's live. It's awesome. Like, party in your pants awesome. You should really click play.
Love,
Megan
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